I cockslap morals
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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