I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
