did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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