I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You pole danced in your parka.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
