if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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