My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
