we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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