yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
