theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
