My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
