By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
