Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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