does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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