mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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