my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
