My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
