the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
