I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
