I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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