i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
