census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
