found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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