My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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