Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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