it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
