tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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