I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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