A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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