i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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