I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
