Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
