I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
