I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
