There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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