I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
