If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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