im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
