Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
