i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
