Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
