my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
