I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
