You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
