i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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