you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
try to milk me bitch
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