Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize