Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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