Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
