That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
