I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
