Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
