I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
someone owes me an orgasm
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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