New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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