I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize