4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
