I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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