The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
