until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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