the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
