Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
