allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
